


Remind Me Who I'm Meant To Be

by stxrdrifter



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Crises, Panic Attacks, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Naoto Shirogane, bon appétit, this was written in the midst of a breakdown so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stxrdrifter/pseuds/stxrdrifter
Summary: Rise Kujikawa has an identity crisis.
Relationships: Kujikawa Rise/Shirogane Naoto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Remind Me Who I'm Meant To Be

The room was quiet. It was supposed to be quiet, right? But Rise could hear the buzzing of the lights. The rain on the window. The electricity running through her phone and her computer and everything in her house. It was all so loud. It was so noisy. She hated it.

Rise held her knees to her chest. She fiddled with the drawstrings of the oversized hoodie she’d bought in Okina City with Yosuke and Yu and Naoto and Kanji and Teddie and Yukiko and Chie and whoever else was supposed to be there. Rise couldn’t remember. She didn’t even know if it was  _ her  _ there.

Who even was she? She thought this had all been sorted out years ago, when her now best friends fought their way through the terrible nightmare strip club of her mind and she accepted that she was a multifaceted person. Apparently she hadn’t truly accepted it.

She didn’t even know who was her anymore. Before, it was just as simple as discerning between stage Rise and private Rise. Advertisement Rise and Rise in the back of the van on a roadtrip with Yukiko, Chie, and Naoto. 

But now it was different. Now, it was discerning between mood swings, between who she was five minutes ago and who she was now. Sometimes, even for long stretches, she’d be super serious. Super composed. All the words in a text spelled correctly and her nice suit and tie done up nicely because she was a Professional with a capital P. Then at the snap of someone’s fingers, she’d switch. She’d be locked away inside her room, hunched over the studio controls in an oversized hoodie and her hair messy. She was wearing thick rimmed square glasses as opposed to her normal thin round ones or contacts. Her colleagues and clients thought she was in a depressive slump, but she always told them.

“I’m just in this mood.”

She wasn’t sad. The mood felt comfortable. Whether pretentious or punk, energetic or enigmatic, usually it wasn’t a problem.

Until she tried to switch back to normal.

_ Who was that one, again?  _ She’d ask herself in the dark of her room. But nobody answered. She didn’t know anymore. She’d lost it. Even when she tried to remember what was said back in Inaba, how they were all just parts of her true personality, it didn’t fit. They were so different, so unique and conflicting and  _ one fucking sided and boring _ . She hated them. 

She wanted to be herself. She wanted to be fucking  _ interesting _ . She wanted to have depth, complexity, character, but instead she felt like a one note NPC the player wouldn’t even talk to half the time. Maybe, if she was lucky, she’d be a deuteragonist in her own life.

She unplugged her phone and her computer and everything electronic in her room until it was as close to silent as she could get it. She turned her phone onto airplane mode and then powered it off and removed the battery. She hung a thick blanket from the curtain rod to mute the rain outside. She wanted silence again. She wanted to think. She needed everything to just  _ fuck off! _

_ *Ring ring* _

_ *Ring ring* _

The landline in the other room. Of  _ course _ . 

Rise threw back the covers and walked herself, shaking legs and all, into the other room where the phone was. She had half a mind to throw it against the wall until she saw the caller display:  _ Naoto Shirogane - Cell _ . 

Something must be wrong. Naoto never called this late (this late, apparently, being hardly 11:30 at night, but Rise’s sense of time was  _ not  _ fantastic in the midst of a mental breakdown).

“Naoto? What’s wrong?” She answered, steadying her voice as much as possible.

“I was… I was going to ask for your opinion on something, but you don’t sound okay. Is everything alright?” Naoto’s voice was raspy. Rise knew she wasn’t ever getting enough sleep, and she wanted to smack her friend for not taking proper care of herself.

Rise sighed, trying desperately to slow her dangerous heart rate. “Y-yeah, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. What did you—”

“Don’t lie to me Rise, I know something’s wrong.” Naoto didn’t sound as kind as she normally did this time. She sounded angry. Rise heard the sound of breathing on the other end. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. I’ve not been sleeping well.”

“I bet. You’re a detective, afterall.” Rise tried to switch the conversation away from herself and back onto Naoto so she wouldn’t have to face her friend in this state.

“What about you? Are you sleeping?” 

_ Motherfucker.  _ “Well, obviously not if I’m talking to you!” Rise punctuated the quip with a shaky laugh. 

“Ha ha, very funny.” Despite the statement, Naoto did not sound impressed or amused in the slightest. “Look, I just… I care about you a lot, and I know stuff’s had to have been bad lately. It’s hitting winter, and the sun’s not out as much, so your SAD’s gotta be—”

“Please don’t psychoanalyze me, Naoto. I’m  _ fine _ .” Rise let herself slip up, but she needed Naoto to  _ fuck off  _ and stop caring about her for ten seconds. She was fine. She could do this herself. She didn’t need help.

Despite how much she wanted to be screaming for it.

“I’m just saying. I want to make sure you’re okay is all. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, but I’d rather you say that than pretend to be fine.”

Rise tried to push down the incredibly reasonable (albeit pretentious) way Naoto spoke. She could easily have forced the issue, made Rise admit to her struggles, but instead she left it up to Rise. 

She trusted Rise.

And Rise was betraying that trust by lying.

“I’m… I’m not okay,” she let herself say.

“Do you need anything?” Naoto’s voice was calm, but Rise could pick out the hints of concern she let slip through.

Rise felt a tear roll down her cheek. “I-I don’t know.”

“I can be there in five minutes. Do you want me to come over?”

“B-but what about your job? Don’t you have a case to be working?”

“You’re more important to me than a case, Rise.” Naoto’s voice stayed steady the entire time they spoke, and Rise wondered how she could do it. How she could stay so calm, so composed, and yet still be compassionate and sympathetic in these situations? How did she do it?

“Okay. I’ll unlock the door.”

Rise hung up the phone and put it back on the charger before letting herself fall to the couch. She pulled her knees back to her chest. Her hands were shaking, her feet were cold, her heart was racing, her eyes were hazy, her ears were ringing, everything was terrible and she hated it and she just wanted it all to stop so badly.

She just wanted to be herself, without having to go through hoops and mazes to figure out who that person is. 

Rise tried to breathe. She tried to take in a slow deep breath, count to eight, and slow breath out, but it didn’t work. She couldn’t hold it for more than three before she was breathing out again. She was hyperventilating. Her throat ached. Her lungs were sore. Her ears hurt. She covered her ears, held her throat, hugged herself, anything to make it stop.

She didn’t even hear Naoto come in. All she felt was a pressure on herself, something holding her tight, not letting go. She held on tight herself, not even sure if the person holding her was Naoto or someone trying to strangle her.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” she finally started hearing. The hazy noise in her ears began to fade. Her foggy vision began to clear. Her throat and lungs still hurt, but not as bad. “I’m here, Rise. It’s okay. You’re safe, alright?”

She still held tight. “Who even am I, Naoto? I don’t know who that is anymore!” She could barely hear her voice in her ears, it was so quiet and meek. 

Eventually, Naoto pulled away. Rise wished they could keep hugging, but it was probably for the best. Naoto passed her a glass of water as she spoke. “Well, what do you like to do for fun?”

That was easy. “I like making music. I like mixing and mastering, helping newer artists get their feet off the ground and helping to create masterpieces.”

“And?”

“Aaand I like to read books! Mostly romance or fantasy, but sometimes I read other things too.” Again, easy.

But Naoto, for some reason, wasn’t satisfied. “And?”

And it started to get harder. “I like to make people happy.”

“I like to run.”

“I like to write poetry.”

Naoto smiled. “Are you feeling a little bit better?”

Rise nodded. “A little bit, but I’m still… confused, you know? I’m scared.”

The detective reached for the remote on the table. “Why don’t we watch a movie together, huh? Something soft and sappy to take your mind off this. Does that sound okay?”

Rise nodded again. She let Naoto get everything set up with snacks and drinks before they started watching. Rise picked something sweet, probably a kid’s show, but she didn’t care. She needed this right now. 

Over the course of the show, she curled up against Naoto. Naoto never rejected it, never seemed uncomfortable. She just put her arm around Rise and held her close. 

_ Naoto smells nice _ , Rise thought.

Eventually, the show ended. Neither of them moved a muscle, just staying there in the dark, peace and quiet, until Naoto spoke up.

“How are you feeling?”

Rise didn’t know how to answer, really. She was feeling better, sure, but the issue was still  _ there _ . “I don’t know,” she settled on.

Naoto hummed. “Why don’t you tell me more about the problem then so I have a better understanding of it.”

Rise took a breath to prepare herself emotionally for the rollercoaster. She explained everything to Naoto, how she switches back and forth between these moods, almost like a mask or role or character. 

“Do you think it’s DID?” Naoto asked.

Rise shook her head. “That’s what I thought at first, but it’s not right. It’s not like a set of alters, it’s like…”

“Personas, maybe?”

Rise looked to Naoto, confusion in her eyes.

“How did Narukami describe them again? The masks you wear to face different hardships?”

The former idol cocked an eyebrow. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

The detective smiled. “Well, it sounds like you’re switching between these different masks. You remember how Narukami was that time, right? One day, he’d be super broody, and then the next he’d be super energetic.” Naoto chuckled, and Rise joined her.

“I remember that, yeah. It was super jarring, every time we’d finish in the TV world, he’d be like a completely new person.” Rise was hit with the sudden realization. “Do you think I might be a Wild Card?”

“No, no,” Naoto said with a laugh. Rise pouted dramatically. “Just a comparison is all. It’s like when you were an idol, and the old IT had to save you from the TV world. You told me you didn’t know whether the stage Risette or the quiet Rise was the real you, remember?”

Rise nodded. “I do, but that can’t be right because—”

Naoto raised a finger. “That’s why I also brought up Narukami. Even when he was super broody, or super flirty, or all those things, those were still him. Right?”

“I guess…”

“So that means that all these personas are still you. Right?”

“Right…” Rise frowned. “That makes sense, but it still feels weird, you know?” 

And the detective smiled sympathetically down at her. “I know. It’s not going to fix everything right away, but it’s a start. You just have to remember that it’s all you, no matter what.”

Rise looked away. “I’m still scared, though. What if I lose myself again?”

“Then I’ll be there to help you, just like this time. I… I care about you a lot, and I want to be there for you.”

Rise looked back to her friend, and in the light of the still-on TV, she could have sworn Naoto’s cheeks were tinted a light pink. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, before snuggling back into the detective girl. Her head rested against Naoto’s chest, a steady heartbeat drumming in her ear. “I love you, Naoto.”

(Rise hadn’t meant to say it, but the words just slipped out.  _ Might as well go with it _ , she thought.)

Naoto’s pulse quickened suddenly. “I-uh, thanks?”

Rise turned her gaze back up to Naoto dramatically. “You’re not going to say it back?”

And now she could see easily that Naoto was  _ definitely  _ a bright pink. Maybe even red. Whatever color, Naoto was flush as a tomato. “I-I mean, I could, but…”

Giggles escaped Rise for the first time that night. “Please?” She pouted. 

And a sigh escaped Naoto. “I… I guess…” She turned away and slammed her eyes shut. “I love you too, Rise-san.”

A moment of silence passed over the two. Rise stared in awe at Naoto, while Naoto stayed her eyes closed and her face away. The moment stretched, and Naoto finally opened her eyes and looked back, nervous for what Rise might be thinking. “I-Is everything okay?”

The idol smiled sweetly and tucked her head back in the crook of Naoto’s arm. “You’re cute when you blush, Nao-chan.”

She could feel Naoto’s heartbeat quicken almost instantly. “Uh, um. You’re cute too, Rise...chan.”

And of course, the sound of Naoto's smooth raspy paradoxically hot voice made Rise blush red as a radish, especially when it was stuttering over calling Rise cute. Rise looked up at her friend once again, a part of her wondering if Naoto was annoyed by all her fidgeting, and considered something.

"Is everything okay?" Naoto asked.

Rise paused for a moment before she gave Naoto a peck on the cheek and smiled. "Yeah, everything is fine."

Naoto's stammering gave her immense life as she drifted off to sleep. Hopefully Naoto didn't have work in the morning that she would be missing, buried underneath her crush.

(At least, Rise assumed she was Naoto's crush based on her rocketing pulse.)

Sunlight streamed through Rise's bedroom window. Rise found herself in her bed, her arms and legs spread out and in weird positions as she always found them in the mornings. The clock claimed it was already 9am, but that should be wrong because she would have been woken up for work.

She didn't even remember climbing into bed.

She pulled the covers off herself and trudged out of the bedroom and made her way to the bathroom as she tried to recall the previous night's events.  _ Naoto came over, I kissed her on the cheek and she made really cute noises, and then I fell asleep. She must have carried me to bed and went home for the _ —

"Woahwoahwoah hey I'm in here!!" Naoto yelled as Rise walked in on her. Thankfully for both Naoto and Rise, (mostly Rise, specifically her gay heart) the glass shower walls were fogged to hell and back so Rise only saw her silhouette. 

(She pretended not to think about how much Naoto had changed after three years on estrogen. That would make her a perv. Naoto was hot but she wasn’t a perv.)

"Sorry! I didn't think you were still here!" Rise yelled back through the door. She let out a sigh of relief, followed by a small laughing fit at Naoto's panicked response. 

Naoto was so cute. 

Rise felt her cheeks warm up. She decided to take a seat on the couch and wait for her turn in the shower. She scrolled through her social media (on a secret and anonymous account where she could be herself) until she felt her chest begin to tighten. It suddenly hurt to breathe, her head felt light, dizziness swept in like a typhoon. 

She lobbed her phone across the couch, watching it bounce anticlimactically off the pillow and onto the floor. Her knees naturally came up to her chest as she rocked herself back and forth. She tried, god she tried, to steady her breathing, but it just wasn’t working. 

“Rise?”

She didn’t turn around to see Naoto. She didn’t even hear Naoto over the haze in her ears. All she could see, hear, feel, taste was static, white noise, oppressive. 

“Rise!” 

She felt pressure on her shoulders. 

“Hey, look at me. I’m here, alright?”

Rise couldn’t see, but she nodded at the disembodied voice. 

“I-I-I can’t see, m-my vision is—”

“You’re having a panic attack, Rise. I just need you to breathe, okay?”

Her hands were shaking. She still couldn’t see, she could hardly hear, she could hardly  _ think _ . 

“I can’t!”

“Yes you can! Just follow me, okay?” 

Rise nodded. 

“Okay, now breathe in…” She heard Naoto breathing and tried to match it, but her lungs wouldn’t let her. 

“I-I can’t, Naoto—”

“Yes you can, okay? I know you can!” Naoto sounded miles away, like she was screaming across the ocean. Rise felt something wrap around her hands and her fingers. “My grandfather taught me a trick. Imagine a feather floating in front of you.”

“Wh-what?”

“Your breathing keeps it steady, so try to keep it afloat, okay?”

Rise didn’t fully understand, but she nodded anyways. She focused, and a small blue feather came into her mind’s eye. It was floating, but it was super shaky. She inhaled, and the feather began to rise. She exhaled and it began to fall again. In, rise. Out, fall. In… rise… out… fall...

Eventually, the feather began to steady out. Her breathing returned to normal. The noise in her ears, on her skin, in her mouth faded away. When she opened her eyes, she could see Naoto in front of her.

Naoto was crying.

“Th-thank you, Nao-chan,” Rise mumbled, wiping her tears away. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

A smile came across Naoto’s face, followed by a small laugh. “It’s okay. I was just worried, you know?”

Rise nodded. “Thank you, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through that without you.”

And she pulled Naoto into a tight embrace. It lasted a few moments, a soft and calm silence falling over them, before Naoto pulled herself away.

“I’ve called in sick for the both of us, if that’s okay. I… I don’t want to leave you alone like this.” Naoto looked away. “I just want to make sure you’re safe, if that’s okay.”

Rise let out a soft laugh. “It’s fine. I was wondering why my alarm didn’t wake me up this morning. I guess you never left, huh?”

The detective pulled her legs up onto the couch, sitting next to Rise. “No, I didn’t.”

“Pfft. Creep,” Rise joked. 

Naoto’s jaw dropped, completely offended. “H-Hey! I was trying to make sure you’re okay! I could have just as easily went home, th—”

The former idol cut her off with a soft kiss. Their lips pressed together, seconds passing before either of them moved, before Naoto took Rise’s chin in her hand and pressed back, and in that moment Rise felt nothing less than calm. She felt safe. She didn’t feel fireworks or sunbeams, lightning or flame. She felt steady. Quiet. Peaceful.

And then she pulled away, opening her eyes to see Naoto tinted a bright bright red. “S-sorry! I should have asked—”

She was interrupted by Naoto waving her arms in front of her. “N-no! It’s okay, it’s fine! I… I liked it.” Her fingers pressed together meekly. 

Rise wanted so bad to kiss her again and again, to crawl back into bed and let her head rest on Naoto’s chest and listen to her heart beat. 

“Do you want to do it again?”

Naoto, somehow, turned an even brighter red as her eyes widened. And she nodded, so meekly and so adorably, and so Rise pulled her back in for yet another kiss, just as calming and peaceful as the first. Rise’s hand ran through Naoto’s unkempt blue hair, Naoto’s hand held Rise’s shoulder. 

The day wasn’t a productive one, but it was okay. The two watched crappy television, ordered takeout, laughed, cried a bit, and snuggled a lot. And for the first time in a long time, Rise finally felt it:

She felt at peace.

She knew she would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> On the record, this fic is primarily me projecting onto Rise. The experiences Rise has in this fic are based on my own. I'm not a medical expert, I'm not a therapist or a psychiatrist, I should probably be seeing one of those, but at 2am this was how I decided to cope.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
